Tag: tips for writers

How to Write the Best Novel Ever

Looking for how to be the greatest author who ever lived? Need some quick and easy advice on the quick and easy way to become rich and famous? Just follow these ten tips without question, and you will become an author that nobody will forget! Absolutely not satire!

  1. Plagiarize other writers. Sharing is caring. Besides, they did the really hard part, so why not be efficient? If they didn’t want people using their stuff, they wouldn’t have made it public, now, would they?
  2. Use the most complicated, flowery language you can. Pull words from the dictionary with at least four syllables. Use really big words never used in casual conversation and sprinkle them liberally throughout your story. That way, everybody knows how smart you are.
  3. Don’t use consistent characterization. People aren’t consistent in real life, so why should they be in fiction? Don’t worry if your protagonist acts contradictory to established personality and goals. Just have them do whatever with no real rhyme or reason. It’s not like readers actually care about that sort of thing.
  4. Write maybe once or twice a month. Why stress yourself out? Write whenever you feel like. After all, you can only write well if you’re “in the zone.” Writing every day regardless of how you feel is just plain silly and definitely bad for your skin.
  5. Editing is a waste of time. Reviewing your work for typos, story flow and all that other stuff is dumb. Why compromise your original vision by changing all your hard work? Even worse is submitting your novel to editing by other people. Didn’t your parents teach you to never trust strangers?
  6. Novels are only good if they have lots of symbolism. They taught us that in high school literature class, so it must be true. Symbolism is way more important than storytelling, so make sure everything in your novel is symbolic: the color of people’s clothes, their names, their hairstyle, and especially innocuous, minor details that are otherwise irrelevant to the story. Everything is symbolic and has Deep Meaning™.
  7. Constructive criticism is dumb and bad and should be ignored. If someone doesn’t like something in your book and suggests how to improve it, they’re just jealous and probably want to sabotage you. Surround yourself with people who compliment everything you do and listen to them exclusively. But remember, per tip #5, don’t let them actually touch your book.
  8. Bigger books are better, so write as many words as you can and don’t cut any out. Refer to tip #2. All the hard copy versions of the world’s greatest novels are big enough to be used as doorstoppers. So, obviously, you want to write a huge book with lots of words. NEVER use 3 words when you can use 30.
  9. Draw your own cover art. Why bother letting someone else draw your vision? Save time and money by drawing the art yourself! You know what you want, and it’s guaranteed to be memorable.
  10. Include a gimmick. Everybody writes the same old boring way, so make yourself stick out. Write only in present tense, or make each character’s lines a different color, or write the pages out of order, or write sentences backwards. People like that kind of fun and will definitely appreciate all the extra effort you put in.

Ultimately, it is up to you on whether to make the correct decision and follow this free advice. Remember, this is ABSOLUTELY not satire designed to point out things that can hinder a book’s quality or a humorous article designed to make people laugh. This is absolutely serious stuff and following these steps will make you the best writer in the history of the universe and rich enough to buy a whole nation. Everyone will love and adore you forever as you achieve authorial apotheosis.

I repeat, this is in no way satire, and taking this advice seriously will not lead to you angrily arguing with people over your book’s reviews on Amazon.

And no, I am not crossing my fingers behind my back. My hand is itchy.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Fan Fiction: Not as Bad as It Sounds

It’s the worst insult you can toss at a writer. It’s the deepest cut, the ultimate condemnation.

This reads like bad fan fiction.

Amateurish, incompetent, dubious, self-indulgent, outright moronic – these are the connotations those six words carry. Fan fiction is the respite of those who cannot write, but insist on doing so. Taking what others have already made and twisting it into their personal playground of poorly conceived plots. The refuge of the untalented.

Except it’s not true. Well, mostly.

Stories written by fans about their favorite movies or books or other franchises have garnered a collectively dismal reputation. They’re just a means for disgruntled people to “fix” stories they felt were ruined by the original creators or a way to make up romances between two characters that they happen to like. Now, these types of stories aren’t necessarily poor quality, but they tend to be made purely for the author’s own self-gratification. Consequently, quality isn’t an issue, only that the author gets what they want out of the story without regard for whether others will enjoy it (which beggars the question why it is posted online).

On the other hand, there is fan fiction that is comparable to published works, displaying not only raw talent but an understanding of plot structure, characterization, and reader engagement. Some of them are indeed so-called “fix fics” and romances, but just as many are original ideas, what-if scenarios, unofficial sequels, and other creative content. There’s the bad, the good, and the exceptional.

I wonder how many fan fiction writers could become successful mainstream authors if they so chose.

But what does this matter to you or me? What can aspiring writers who seek to publish, whether independently or through traditional publishers, find of worth in the world of fan fiction?

To put it plainly, writing fan fiction is really good practice for a writer.

I’ve written fan fiction. I wrote fan fiction before I published A God Walks Up to the Bar specifically to cut my teeth on writing for an audience. Fan fiction sites don’t require author names. You can make up any username or web appellation that you want. Anonymity can motivate shy writers, among whom I can be counted. The boldness inspired by a sobriquet can finally push you to take the plunge into getting your work out to the world. Plus, you get your first taste of criticism, good and bad, and develop the thick skin you’ll need and the ability to discern between worthwhile critiques and meaningless heckling.

If you’re a serious writer, fan fiction isn’t an exercise in self-indulgence. You want to tell a good story, and sometimes, building off a preexisting idea can be just the spark you need to flex your storytelling muscles. You can explore freely, experiment with writing styles to see what works for you and what doesn’t, and most importantly, you get to write. Practice, practice, practice. That’s how you improve as a writer.

And just as important, it’s completely free. The barrier of entry is even lower than for an indie publisher. No need for a budget to pay editors, beta readers, and cover artists. No need to maintain an author’s website. No need even for a business license! And the marketing is free, too. Fan fiction, by its nature, is about something already popular and well-known, so your writing can possibly attract more readers than your other, original works. Which is, well, not really fair, I suppose, but let’s try to stay optimistic here. More readers means more criticism means more improvement. Writing fan fiction is a fantastically low-risk method of developing your writing. It’s a great way to discover your own identity as an author without worrying about finances and other aspects of publishing.

All of which is to say, if you’re interested in getting into professional writing and feel you want to practice your skills and test the waters of public reception, fan fiction is a great starting point. And as someone who loves things to come full circle, I’ll just end by saying that someday, you may look back on these early experiments and chuckle … because now people are writing fan fiction about your work.

Did you like what you just read? Are you a writer, or just looking for fun content? Do you want more, but are worried about missing new posts? Please subscribe! I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

It hasn’t gone anywhere, and it won’t anytime soon! My first book, A God Walks Up to the Bar, is available on Amazon.com. Witness the modern day adventures of the Greek god Hermes in a world much like our own – plus with demigods, vampires, nymphs, ogres, and magic. The myths of old never went away, they just moved on with the times. It’s a tough job, being a god!

Measure Your Writing: Fewer Words are More than Enough

Image: “Stack of Copy Paper” by Jonathan Joseph Bondhus; licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.

So, you’re writing your book. You feel pretty good about it. You got your first draft done, you send it to your beta readers, and the feedback starts trickling in. You take in the criticism and start your second draft. And you notice something odd. Many of your changes entail removing words, cutting out extra sentences, and shortening descriptions. Your word count is growing smaller. What gives?

Writing involves a lot of things. One thing I’ve discovered it needs is measurement. I don’t mean whipping out the tape measure to guess how thick your paperback will be. I mean making sure that every word matters. If your sentences go on and on and on then you’re going to bore your audience to tears, if you don’t just outright confuse them. On the other hand, using too few words can lead to your readers scratching their heads if you leave out important information. A writer is like a sculptor. He carves out the unnecessary material and leaves behind exactly what is needed to make the piece complete.

My first draft is the phase that I like to call “vomiting words.” Because that’s what I do. I get all my words out, regardless of whether they are good or not. First drafts are always garbage. There’s no helping that. But too many is better than not enough. There’s always plenty of time to parse things down later.

So, how do you make the most of fewer words? Here is what I’ve learned.

  1. Be simple. Don’t try to write fancy. Purple prose is like nitroglycerin. It blows up in your face at the slightest mistake. Don’t write “his face stretched into a wide, dour grimace.” Just write, “he grimaced.”
  2. Synonyms are your friend. There are single words out there that mean the same as three put together. Why waste space? Rather than “ran very fast,” you can use “sprinted” instead.
  3. Details matter to the plot. Readers expect the descriptions and conversations you include to have significance. So make sure everything you include in your final draft has a point! Don’t waste time on things that are irrelevant.
  4. Last, and certainly not least, don’t underestimate your readers’ intelligence. Unless you’re writing for three-year-old’s (and even then…), don’t treat your readers like idiots. They can fill in blanks for themselves, especially regarding mundane things. You don’t need to explain how someone puts on a shirt, or go into gross detail over the interior of an office building. Chances are, people already know. Let them exercise their imagination a little!

Of course, there are exceptions to these. There are always exceptions. And some stories are going to be longer than others, regardless. The point is not to trim everything out until only barebones, dry description remains. The point is to make your writing readable and coherent. Sometimes, you will have a very long and colorful description of a character or scene. If it’s appropriate for the story’s tone, or describes something that isn’t common knowledge, or the details will become important later on, have at it. But don’t overdo it. The point isn’t writing a lot of words. It’s writing just enough words.

The gods and beings of ancient myth never went away. They just moved on with the times.

My book, A God Walks up to the Bar, is currently available on Amazon.com. Venture into the world of the Greek god Hermes, a world filled with demigods, vampires, nymphs, ogres, magic, and trickery. It’s a tough job, being a god!

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