Month: January 2025

How to Write the Best Novel Ever

Looking for how to be the greatest author who ever lived? Need some quick and easy advice on the quick and easy way to become rich and famous? Just follow these ten tips without question, and you will become an author that nobody will forget! Absolutely not satire!

  1. Plagiarize other writers. Sharing is caring. Besides, they did the really hard part, so why not be efficient? If they didn’t want people using their stuff, they wouldn’t have made it public, now, would they?
  2. Use the most complicated, flowery language you can. Pull words from the dictionary with at least four syllables. Use really big words never used in casual conversation and sprinkle them liberally throughout your story. That way, everybody knows how smart you are.
  3. Don’t use consistent characterization. People aren’t consistent in real life, so why should they be in fiction? Don’t worry if your protagonist acts contradictory to established personality and goals. Just have them do whatever with no real rhyme or reason. It’s not like readers actually care about that sort of thing.
  4. Write maybe once or twice a month. Why stress yourself out? Write whenever you feel like. After all, you can only write well if you’re “in the zone.” Writing every day regardless of how you feel is just plain silly and definitely bad for your skin.
  5. Editing is a waste of time. Reviewing your work for typos, story flow and all that other stuff is dumb. Why compromise your original vision by changing all your hard work? Even worse is submitting your novel to editing by other people. Didn’t your parents teach you to never trust strangers?
  6. Novels are only good if they have lots of symbolism. They taught us that in high school literature class, so it must be true. Symbolism is way more important than storytelling, so make sure everything in your novel is symbolic: the color of people’s clothes, their names, their hairstyle, and especially innocuous, minor details that are otherwise irrelevant to the story. Everything is symbolic and has Deep Meaning™.
  7. Constructive criticism is dumb and bad and should be ignored. If someone doesn’t like something in your book and suggests how to improve it, they’re just jealous and probably want to sabotage you. Surround yourself with people who compliment everything you do and listen to them exclusively. But remember, per tip #5, don’t let them actually touch your book.
  8. Bigger books are better, so write as many words as you can and don’t cut any out. Refer to tip #2. All the hard copy versions of the world’s greatest novels are big enough to be used as doorstoppers. So, obviously, you want to write a huge book with lots of words. NEVER use 3 words when you can use 30.
  9. Draw your own cover art. Why bother letting someone else draw your vision? Save time and money by drawing the art yourself! You know what you want, and it’s guaranteed to be memorable.
  10. Include a gimmick. Everybody writes the same old boring way, so make yourself stick out. Write only in present tense, or make each character’s lines a different color, or write the pages out of order, or write sentences backwards. People like that kind of fun and will definitely appreciate all the extra effort you put in.

Ultimately, it is up to you on whether to make the correct decision and follow this free advice. Remember, this is ABSOLUTELY not satire designed to point out things that can hinder a book’s quality or a humorous article designed to make people laugh. This is absolutely serious stuff and following these steps will make you the best writer in the history of the universe and rich enough to buy a whole nation. Everyone will love and adore you forever as you achieve authorial apotheosis.

I repeat, this is in no way satire, and taking this advice seriously will not lead to you angrily arguing with people over your book’s reviews on Amazon.

And no, I am not crossing my fingers behind my back. My hand is itchy.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Dreams in Life

We all have dreams. We have desires and goals we want to achieve. It might be something small or something grand, something that encompasses a single week or a whole lifetime. But we all have something we dream about.

How far do you go to achieve your dream? What are you willing to do? And what are you willing to sacrifice? Do you think about it all day long, but do nothing? Or do you work a little bit towards it every day?

How much do you dedicate to your dream? How much do you sacrifice? And when is the sacrifice too great? When does the dream become a tyrant that destroy your life rather than enrich it?

What place do dreams have in our lives? Do we seek them out at all costs? Or do we know when there are things even more important? Sometimes, we must not sacrifice for the dream, but sacrifice the dream itself. Life goes on. We go on.

But we never stop dreaming.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Selling Ideas

Come up with a crazy business idea

I’m working off of this daily prompt under the assumption that “crazy business idea” means something that no sane, rational person would actually attempt with a serious expectation of success. Something so absurd that only a crazy person would expect it to turn a profit. Something that –

Let’s face it, somebody would try to do this in real life, and scarily enough, it might just work.

My idea is to sell ideas as a service.

No, no, not selling an idea for a type of service, but selling actual ideas. For example, Joe Citizen wakes up one day and wonders, “What should I have for breakfast? I can’t decide.” So, he calls up Ideas, Inc. and asks. Ideas, Inc. tells him to make waffles. What a good idea!

Jane Doe wants to know where her son should go to school. Ideas, Inc. to the rescue! And what should he major in when he enters college? Ideas, Inc. can tell you!

Wondering what car to buy and in what color? A monthly subscription to Ideas, Inc. can give you these answers and more!

Why bother thinking when you can subscribe to a service that thinks for you?

Like I said, silly and nonsensical. But is it really? Hmm…

And if I ever see this service in real-life, I will know somebody stole the idea from me, heh.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

My New Book is Out on Amazon!

I am very excited to announce that my new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is now available on Amazon for both Kindle and paperback. This is my second ever published book and a sequel to my first, A God Walks Up to the Bar. I hope that my readers enjoy the further modern day adventures of the Greek god Hermes.

Synopsis:

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

And for those who missed it the first time …

A God Walks Up to the Bar, my first foray into publishing, is also on Amazon.com. Interested in Hermes’s first recorded adventures battling half giants, skinwalkers, vampires, and other foes? Check it out!

As always, thanks for simply visiting my blog and sharing in my writing career and my various musings on life, the universe, and everything. Whether you click that subscribe button or not, I truly appreciate your taking the time to read my ramblings. Cheers.

Cover Art for The Trickster’s Lament

It’s my pleasure and privilege to reveal to you the title and cover of my soon to be published second book, The Trickster’s Lament.

Per the synopsis:

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Look forward to The Trickster’s Lament release on Amazon.com later this month!

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

What Writing My Second Book Has Taught Me

I’ve heard that writing your second book is harder than writing the first. Your first book may be a hit, but it may also be a fluke, a one and done deal. But moving on to the second? Ah, that’s when you find out if you really have the chops to be a writer.

Well, crafting my second book has gone mostly smoothly. The story came together much more easily, I’ve gained a better understanding of the characters and their motivations and personalities, and it’s been a fun ride. Heck, I got it finished in much less time than the first: about a year and a half from beginning to final draft. But I also made mistakes that I didn’t with my first project.

Now, why is that? Why did I order a paperback cover when I didn’t have my final page count ready? Why did I make silly oversights in editing that I only noticed after sending the book in for formatting?

The only answer I have thus far is that I was rushing. I jumped the gun, I got a little too lax, I was so fixed on the end goal that I didn’t pay attention to all the hurdles. I was impatient, and I didn’t even realize it.

Fortunately, I spotted these errors in time and fixed them. Lesson learned.

I thought I’d share my insights here for any other budding authors to read. Impatience is a bane of writers. Maybe you have just the one novel to write in your lifetime. You’ve spent years on it and are eager to finally see it published. Or maybe you have a series in mind, a long-running story told over several books, and you’re ready to move on to the next leg in the journey.

Either way, the temptation to push through and stop paying attention to details is strong. Resist it! A good novel takes time. You have plenty of it to perfect your story, and the copyright page, and the title, and the word count, and so forth. Don’t publish until you know that your book is exactly the way you want it.

Sweat the details. It saves so much trouble in the long run if you do.

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Into the New Year

What is there to say at the beginning of a new year? Resolutions, promises, hopes, plans? Yes, all of these and more. But most of all, there’s the joy of simply looking over the calendar and seeing all those days spread out before you.

I have a tendency to rush through things, to complete projects for the sake of completion. January 1st is a good day to consider that this isn’t as important as taking time to enjoy each season. Maybe that’s a bit trite, a bit cliche, but there’s truth in it. A year isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things. Best to appreciate each day, both the happy surprises and the obnoxious challenges, because they don’t come around again.

Whether I’m gritting my teeth or smiling happily, each day is a gift and a privilege. Best not to rush through any of them.

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.