The Ancient Age of Computers

Write about your first computer.

It was a big deal in my life owning a computer for the first time. Oh, I grew up using my parent’s, but having my own was almost a rite of passage into adulthood.

As many of you already know, I’m a writer, and I’ve been writing for most of my life. My first typed ramblings were done on a word processor, the grandaddy of modern computers where the only thing you could do was type and print. No fonts, no editing, no formatting. The missing link between the typewriter and the computer.

My first proper computer, though, was a birthday gift. It was a big deal, as you might imagine, especially since I was in, what? Fifth or sixth grade? A long time ago, in the days of yore when computers were big solid blocks, the mouse and keyboard were wired, the monitor was tiny, and it was the really big towers tucked away behind the desk that held all the processing power. These were the days of floppy discs that could hold maybe a single magazine issue’s worth of information before filling up and needing you to buy another one. No memory sticks here.

Before touch screens. Before iPhones. Before Bluetooth. Yes, the time when there was only – shudder – dial-up.

Some of you reading this remember dial-up. Using a landline phone connection to hook up to the Internet. When I wanted to go online, I had to tell my parents, because we couldn’t use the phone and be online at the same time. And then there was the sound. All I can really say is, if you know, you know. The sinister symphony of beeps, honks and screaming static. The sound of an age before instant convenience. Back in my day, we waited minutes to get online.

I liked that computer. Well, it was my only one, so I had better like it, but it was fun. Surfing the old version of the web, playing computer games that required actual discs (sometimes more than one for a single game!) and using the old Microsoft Word that came in an actual package rather than be an online service.

But that computer is gone now. It died, as computers tend to do. A moment of silence for the Ancient Age of Computers. But not for dial-up. Dial-up will not be missed.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

How to Write the Best Novel Ever

Looking for how to be the greatest author who ever lived? Need some quick and easy advice on the quick and easy way to become rich and famous? Just follow these ten tips without question, and you will become an author that nobody will forget! Absolutely not satire!

  1. Plagiarize other writers. Sharing is caring. Besides, they did the really hard part, so why not be efficient? If they didn’t want people using their stuff, they wouldn’t have made it public, now, would they?
  2. Use the most complicated, flowery language you can. Pull words from the dictionary with at least four syllables. Use really big words never used in casual conversation and sprinkle them liberally throughout your story. That way, everybody knows how smart you are.
  3. Don’t use consistent characterization. People aren’t consistent in real life, so why should they be in fiction? Don’t worry if your protagonist acts contradictory to established personality and goals. Just have them do whatever with no real rhyme or reason. It’s not like readers actually care about that sort of thing.
  4. Write maybe once or twice a month. Why stress yourself out? Write whenever you feel like. After all, you can only write well if you’re “in the zone.” Writing every day regardless of how you feel is just plain silly and definitely bad for your skin.
  5. Editing is a waste of time. Reviewing your work for typos, story flow and all that other stuff is dumb. Why compromise your original vision by changing all your hard work? Even worse is submitting your novel to editing by other people. Didn’t your parents teach you to never trust strangers?
  6. Novels are only good if they have lots of symbolism. They taught us that in high school literature class, so it must be true. Symbolism is way more important than storytelling, so make sure everything in your novel is symbolic: the color of people’s clothes, their names, their hairstyle, and especially innocuous, minor details that are otherwise irrelevant to the story. Everything is symbolic and has Deep Meaning™.
  7. Constructive criticism is dumb and bad and should be ignored. If someone doesn’t like something in your book and suggests how to improve it, they’re just jealous and probably want to sabotage you. Surround yourself with people who compliment everything you do and listen to them exclusively. But remember, per tip #5, don’t let them actually touch your book.
  8. Bigger books are better, so write as many words as you can and don’t cut any out. Refer to tip #2. All the hard copy versions of the world’s greatest novels are big enough to be used as doorstoppers. So, obviously, you want to write a huge book with lots of words. NEVER use 3 words when you can use 30.
  9. Draw your own cover art. Why bother letting someone else draw your vision? Save time and money by drawing the art yourself! You know what you want, and it’s guaranteed to be memorable.
  10. Include a gimmick. Everybody writes the same old boring way, so make yourself stick out. Write only in present tense, or make each character’s lines a different color, or write the pages out of order, or write sentences backwards. People like that kind of fun and will definitely appreciate all the extra effort you put in.

Ultimately, it is up to you on whether to make the correct decision and follow this free advice. Remember, this is ABSOLUTELY not satire designed to point out things that can hinder a book’s quality or a humorous article designed to make people laugh. This is absolutely serious stuff and following these steps will make you the best writer in the history of the universe and rich enough to buy a whole nation. Everyone will love and adore you forever as you achieve authorial apotheosis.

I repeat, this is in no way satire, and taking this advice seriously will not lead to you angrily arguing with people over your book’s reviews on Amazon.

And no, I am not crossing my fingers behind my back. My hand is itchy.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Selling Ideas

Come up with a crazy business idea

I’m working off of this daily prompt under the assumption that “crazy business idea” means something that no sane, rational person would actually attempt with a serious expectation of success. Something so absurd that only a crazy person would expect it to turn a profit. Something that –

Let’s face it, somebody would try to do this in real life, and scarily enough, it might just work.

My idea is to sell ideas as a service.

No, no, not selling an idea for a type of service, but selling actual ideas. For example, Joe Citizen wakes up one day and wonders, “What should I have for breakfast? I can’t decide.” So, he calls up Ideas, Inc. and asks. Ideas, Inc. tells him to make waffles. What a good idea!

Jane Doe wants to know where her son should go to school. Ideas, Inc. to the rescue! And what should he major in when he enters college? Ideas, Inc. can tell you!

Wondering what car to buy and in what color? A monthly subscription to Ideas, Inc. can give you these answers and more!

Why bother thinking when you can subscribe to a service that thinks for you?

Like I said, silly and nonsensical. But is it really? Hmm…

And if I ever see this service in real-life, I will know somebody stole the idea from me, heh.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

When I Was Born …

… the world changed forever.

The Berlin Wall came down. I’m fairly certain this was a direct consequence of my birth.

The original Michael Keaton Batman movie opened in theaters. Also a direct consequence of my existence, no doubt.

Disney’s The Little Mermaid also opened in theaters. I claim direct responsibility for the Disney Renaissance, thank you.

The first commercial internet service providers became available. Because of me, of course.

Can you guess what year I was born?

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life. With a dash of dry humor.

Open a Book

Open a book, go on an adventure. You don’t leave home, you don’t walk a road. But you go on a journey just the same, to places near and far, betwixt and between.

The past and future, earth and space, ruins and utopias, worlds both alien and familiar. The lives of great kings and scientists and heroes stretch out before you. Hear their words, see inside their minds.

Indeed, you go everywhere, do everything, see everyone. A universe of words is revealed to you. Travel here and there, hither and thither, as much as you can stand.

And at the end of the journey, you come back home, and realize you never left your chair.

Such is the wonder of opening a book.

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Idle Questions for a Monday Evening

Monday is finally over. The mind is tired from thinking hard. Time to let it mull over silly questions:

Why can we say “sunshine” and people know we mean sunlight, but not say “moonshine” without meaning homemade alcohol?

Why are eggs in the dairy department when they have nothing to do with milk and cheese?

Why do we say “head over heels? in love?” Our heads are above our heels by default.

Why does everyone have to buckle up in cars, but only the drivers get seatbelts on buses?

Why do we say “make a cup of coffee?” Nobody makes a whole new cup, just the coffee to put into it.

Why do people keep trying to make squirrel-proof birdfeeders? They never work.

Why do people want to colonize Mars? What’s there that’s worth colonizing?

Why is it that the more expensive your meal at a restaurant is, the more likely the chef was touching it all over with his fingers? That’s gross.

How many more idle questions can you come up with?

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Stuck Between Morning and Night

Are you more of a night or morning person?

Ah, the old night/day dichotomy. Do you come alive at night, or do you start the day peppy and excited?

I admit that I get more done early in the day, and I relax more at night. But the cold hard truth is, I’m neither. That’s right, I’m taking a third option. I’m a midday person.

What does that mean? It means I feel most energetic and focused in the smack-dab middle of the day, between about 10AM and 4PM. That’s when I feel really alive and able to tackle any challenge. It’s when I most enjoy writing, when I have the opportunity.

Alas, I usually don’t. Midday is, after all, when I’m in the middle of work and not able to pursue leisure. Sitting in an office chair when you’re bristling with energy and ideas for a new story are rushing through your head isn’t exactly the most pleasant sensation.

But such is life.

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Exactly Where I Want to Live

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

I would live in a comfortable cabin in the middle of a sparse but lush forest with no neighbors within shouting distance and located exactly one hour away from the nearest town. I would also have electricity and a hot tub.

Those who read my musings on my city of the future may be aware that when a daily prompt asks me what I want, I go whole hog with exactly what I want. Will I ever get it? Probably not, but my imagination doesn’t have to agree with reality. I want a cozy cabin, I want peace and quiet, and I want to huddle up on my couch and watch my big-screen TV while the birds chirp outside. And when I need to go shopping, I want the store to be an hour’s drive away.

Fantasizing about an idyllic, Arcadian existence is all fun and dandy, but actually living it is a different case entirely. Loafing around on a tropical island is fine until you need to take a shower and have no soap and shampoo. Or towels and washcloths. Or plumbing. Not to mention the bugs and the heat and the storms. Yes, I admit it, I like modern amenities as much as I like nature. So, I would live close to nature, but not too close, thank you very much.

Civilization strove for millennia to invent the modern conveniences we currently enjoy, and some of them were invented for very good reason. Who am I to throw aside all that hard work?

Okay, maybe I could go without the hot tub …

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Deep Questions about Deep Literature

Do you remember literature classes in high school? How you would spend hours every day discussing the symbolic value of the billboard in The Great Gatsby and analyzing what each character represented in The Lord of the Flies? A spade is never just a spade in lit class. There is always a deeper meaning.

So can anyone explain to me why all the books students have to read are so dang depressing?

Looking back, this is what I feel that we were doing: Taking a beautiful flower and plucking its petals and cutting the stem and digging up the roots to see why it was a beautiful flower. And we very scientifically removed everything beautiful about it.

But darn it, we got educated about great literature. We knew what metaphor was. And allegory. And the subtle social critiques and genre deconstructions that mark all literary classics. We obtained knowledge! We justified our tuition!

There are people who make their living by reading stories and telling other people whether they are good or not. And their word is law, because there is no such thing as an opinion they understand the rules that govern quality writing. Where they obtain this arcane knowledge is unknown. Presumably, they dissected enough flowers.

Good stories seem to be a case of majority rules. If enough people say it’s good, it must be good. Maybe. But I didn’t like The Great Gatsby, so does that mean it’s not a good book or I’m not a good writer? Or perhaps if I had read it on my own time instead of being forced to analyze that darn stupid billboard I would have liked it.

What does it matter what color the curtains are or what suit the one character is wearing in each scene? It matters because somebody important says it matters, but what if it’s not the author saying it? Are we seeing what the writer put there, or what we think is there? Are we seeing meaning where there is none, or is the meaning not what we think it means? Does it mean what people say it means, or does it mean something else, which means that what I want it to mean means that it means the wrong thing from what everyone else thinks it means? Because that’s just mean.

Or maybe we’re just really good at gaslighting ourselves into thinking a book somebody wrote to pay their bills is a magnum opus. The writer wings it, hears what critics say, nods sagely and says, “Yes, that’s exactly what it means.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Kid at Heart

What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

Probably not screaming when you don’t get dessert and walking into the house with mud covering your shoes.

“Kid at heart” is one of those curious expressions we use and don’t give much thought to. There’s a general consensus that everyone knows what it means, but do we really know what it actually means? Kids are selfish, loud, noisy, sometimes smelly, and generally very expensive. They are also seen as innocent, full of potential, and the future of civilization. Which may or may not be true (especially that part about innocence).

So, what does it mean to be a “kid at heart?” Perhaps it simply means to not let go of youthful vigor and enthusiasm. To not be jaded, as kids so rarely are, and to see the world as something fresh and new every day, as kids so often do. Kids are as flawed as adults, so I don’t think we should see childhood as a perfect little utopia long lost, but rather as a time when we were willing to have a little more joy in our lives and a little more willingness to learn.

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.