Tag: humor

Bats Are Cute. Prove Me Wrong.

Sometimes, daily prompts are quite wonderfully bizarre. For example:

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

Okay, you asked for it. The very first thing …

Bats are cute. A lot cuter than people give them credit for.

Maybe I should have waited until Halloween to do this.

Anyway, bats are adorable and get a bad rap for being scary, bloodsucking, grotesque monsters akin to rats on wings. This is untrue and unjust to bats. Even ugly bats wrap around the event horizon and come shooting back out into the realm of cuteness. Bats deserve to be respected.

I mean, look at this. Is this the terror that flaps in the night? No, it’s a cute little baby bundle of fluff. Or this. And this, too. Respect the bat!

And that’s all I have to say about that. The first thing that came to mind for today’s blog post.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Groucho Marx on Reading

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

Very important and enlightening commentary on reading by the great Groucho Marx. Good advice and to be followed. Reading is healthy. Being inside animals is not.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Reasons to Laugh

What makes you laugh?

I laugh at irony. I laugh at observations on the absurdities of life. I laugh at wordplay and cleverness. I enjoy sardonic jokes, jokes that push themselves up from the common denominator. I like humor that people put effort into, that has a setup and a punchline that makes you think for a moment, scratch your head, and then break out laughing.

I like being a bit of a gadfly. Nothing taken too far, but I get a giggle out of throwing people for a loop. Maybe I’m a Groucho Marx at heart, with a sharp tongue that I need to keep in check. But then, sometimes I’m laughing inside, watching politely and quietly as the world goes insane and carries itself with the utmost seriousness like a toad in a tuxedo being interviewed on the red carpet. Inside, I’m roaring.

The world isn’t getting madder; it’s always been mad. Lewis Carroll knew, and so did Abbott and Costello. Jonathan Swift was dead certain and let everyone know it. The Three Stooges made it abundantly clear. Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse proclaimed it with pomp and ceremony. Life is weird, and all the more so because we pretend it isn’t. The world goes on in utmost seriousness, and that makes me laugh, because if you ignore the layers of respectability, the jokes write themselves. An innocent child laughs at what adults believe is the most important thing in the world.

Most of all, I laugh at myself. We pretend that we can’t laugh at ourselves, that we are serious people on a serious Earth, but often that is who we should laugh at the most. So, laugh a little.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

A Thought on the Horror Genre

I don’t have any long discussion on life, writing and the universe planned today. Just a brief thought on the topic of story genres:

The difference between the horror genre and the action genre is whether or not the protagonist has a shotgun.

Cheers.

***

My latest book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

I Long to Destroy a Single Word

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

Censorship is something I generally take a dim view of, but if I was given the power to ban just one word, I would ban – well, let’s see, there are several words that irk me, but if I had to pick only one …

Literally. I would scour all media and erase the word “literally” from existence.

I acknowledge that language evolves. It changes. Meanings change. What a word meant last decade is completely unrelated to its usage today. But that doesn’t mean I have to like the evolution of a word that originally described a thing or action conforming to its own description as fact rather than metaphor, i. e., the expression “hit the road” taken literally by beating the pavement with a stick or someone who is “feeling blue” literally turning a shade of blue. The adverb once had a very specific meaning that applied in very specific circumstances, and using it outside of that purpose was incorrect.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

That was literally the best concert I’ve ever been to. Stephen Spielberg is literally the best director in history. I literally almost died in that car collision. I literally read ten books in a single month. This is literally not how you use the word.

It’s just another word to emphasize a point. Somewhere along the line, someone decided that “really” and “very” and “extremely” and “superlatively” and “quite possibly” and “definitely” were all too boring and decided to give the English language another disembowelment.

And that’s the evolution of language. Words take on entirely new meanings and the old ones are left behind. It’s natural. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

The worst part, in my opinion, is that it shrinks our daily vocabulary. “Literally” could be replaced by a slew of options in everyday conversation, but we fall back to the quick and easy method of using one over and over and over again. It’s a shame that we gradually decrease our ability to express ourselves by loading a single word with a hundred different meanings rather than learning a hundred different words with very particular, targeted meanings. It’s more work, true, but it makes speech so much more interesting.

But that’s enough of me preaching. Language is language and things will go the way that society drives them, regardless of whether or not it knows how to steer. If I had the power, I would immolate the word “literally,” sweep up the ashes, and dump them in the sea. Alas, that I cannot literally do such a thing to a word.

***

My latest book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

If I Won the Lottery

What would you do if you won the lottery?

I’m assuming we’re talking large numbers here. I won four bucks once. It’s still in my wallet.

In all seriousness, if I won a million dollars, I’d invest it. I know, not fancy or decadently extravagant, but what’s the point of having a Lamborghini now when retirement comes and you have no money for food or rent? I’d rather live comfortably in my golden years than stare at my extremely expensive purchases and realize I can’t eat them.

That being said, I doubt I would invest all of it. I think I would put half in savings and keep half for spending on accoutrements more important than fast cars and humongous yachts. Like, say, sturdy clothing, a good, reliable commuter car, maybe a new computer or TV if I felt like splurging. Basics first, then luxuries.

Funny thing about money, the more I imagine having, the more I realize I would want more. Right now, if I were given $20,000, then that would be a lot and I would be satisfied, but if I ever received $1,000,000, all I would think about is why couldn’t it have been $2,000,000? The bigger the number is, the bigger I want the number to be.

Maybe I’m better off not winning the lottery at all … Or just sticking with a million and leaving it at that.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

The Ancient Age of Computers

Write about your first computer.

It was a big deal in my life owning a computer for the first time. Oh, I grew up using my parent’s, but having my own was almost a rite of passage into adulthood.

As many of you already know, I’m a writer, and I’ve been writing for most of my life. My first typed ramblings were done on a word processor, the grandaddy of modern computers where the only thing you could do was type and print. No fonts, no editing, no formatting. The missing link between the typewriter and the computer.

My first proper computer, though, was a birthday gift. It was a big deal, as you might imagine, especially since I was in, what? Fifth or sixth grade? A long time ago, in the days of yore when computers were big solid blocks, the mouse and keyboard were wired, the monitor was tiny, and it was the really big towers tucked away behind the desk that held all the processing power. These were the days of floppy discs that could hold maybe a single magazine issue’s worth of information before filling up and needing you to buy another one. No memory sticks here.

Before touch screens. Before iPhones. Before Bluetooth. Yes, the time when there was only – shudder – dial-up.

Some of you reading this remember dial-up. Using a landline phone connection to hook up to the Internet. When I wanted to go online, I had to tell my parents, because we couldn’t use the phone and be online at the same time. And then there was the sound. All I can really say is, if you know, you know. The sinister symphony of beeps, honks and screaming static. The sound of an age before instant convenience. Back in my day, we waited minutes to get online.

I liked that computer. Well, it was my only one, so I had better like it, but it was fun. Surfing the old version of the web, playing computer games that required actual discs (sometimes more than one for a single game!) and using the old Microsoft Word that came in an actual package rather than be an online service.

But that computer is gone now. It died, as computers tend to do. A moment of silence for the Ancient Age of Computers. But not for dial-up. Dial-up will not be missed.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

How to Write the Best Novel Ever

Looking for how to be the greatest author who ever lived? Need some quick and easy advice on the quick and easy way to become rich and famous? Just follow these ten tips without question, and you will become an author that nobody will forget! Absolutely not satire!

  1. Plagiarize other writers. Sharing is caring. Besides, they did the really hard part, so why not be efficient? If they didn’t want people using their stuff, they wouldn’t have made it public, now, would they?
  2. Use the most complicated, flowery language you can. Pull words from the dictionary with at least four syllables. Use really big words never used in casual conversation and sprinkle them liberally throughout your story. That way, everybody knows how smart you are.
  3. Don’t use consistent characterization. People aren’t consistent in real life, so why should they be in fiction? Don’t worry if your protagonist acts contradictory to established personality and goals. Just have them do whatever with no real rhyme or reason. It’s not like readers actually care about that sort of thing.
  4. Write maybe once or twice a month. Why stress yourself out? Write whenever you feel like. After all, you can only write well if you’re “in the zone.” Writing every day regardless of how you feel is just plain silly and definitely bad for your skin.
  5. Editing is a waste of time. Reviewing your work for typos, story flow and all that other stuff is dumb. Why compromise your original vision by changing all your hard work? Even worse is submitting your novel to editing by other people. Didn’t your parents teach you to never trust strangers?
  6. Novels are only good if they have lots of symbolism. They taught us that in high school literature class, so it must be true. Symbolism is way more important than storytelling, so make sure everything in your novel is symbolic: the color of people’s clothes, their names, their hairstyle, and especially innocuous, minor details that are otherwise irrelevant to the story. Everything is symbolic and has Deep Meaning™.
  7. Constructive criticism is dumb and bad and should be ignored. If someone doesn’t like something in your book and suggests how to improve it, they’re just jealous and probably want to sabotage you. Surround yourself with people who compliment everything you do and listen to them exclusively. But remember, per tip #5, don’t let them actually touch your book.
  8. Bigger books are better, so write as many words as you can and don’t cut any out. Refer to tip #2. All the hard copy versions of the world’s greatest novels are big enough to be used as doorstoppers. So, obviously, you want to write a huge book with lots of words. NEVER use 3 words when you can use 30.
  9. Draw your own cover art. Why bother letting someone else draw your vision? Save time and money by drawing the art yourself! You know what you want, and it’s guaranteed to be memorable.
  10. Include a gimmick. Everybody writes the same old boring way, so make yourself stick out. Write only in present tense, or make each character’s lines a different color, or write the pages out of order, or write sentences backwards. People like that kind of fun and will definitely appreciate all the extra effort you put in.

Ultimately, it is up to you on whether to make the correct decision and follow this free advice. Remember, this is ABSOLUTELY not satire designed to point out things that can hinder a book’s quality or a humorous article designed to make people laugh. This is absolutely serious stuff and following these steps will make you the best writer in the history of the universe and rich enough to buy a whole nation. Everyone will love and adore you forever as you achieve authorial apotheosis.

I repeat, this is in no way satire, and taking this advice seriously will not lead to you angrily arguing with people over your book’s reviews on Amazon.

And no, I am not crossing my fingers behind my back. My hand is itchy.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

Selling Ideas

Come up with a crazy business idea

I’m working off of this daily prompt under the assumption that “crazy business idea” means something that no sane, rational person would actually attempt with a serious expectation of success. Something so absurd that only a crazy person would expect it to turn a profit. Something that –

Let’s face it, somebody would try to do this in real life, and scarily enough, it might just work.

My idea is to sell ideas as a service.

No, no, not selling an idea for a type of service, but selling actual ideas. For example, Joe Citizen wakes up one day and wonders, “What should I have for breakfast? I can’t decide.” So, he calls up Ideas, Inc. and asks. Ideas, Inc. tells him to make waffles. What a good idea!

Jane Doe wants to know where her son should go to school. Ideas, Inc. to the rescue! And what should he major in when he enters college? Ideas, Inc. can tell you!

Wondering what car to buy and in what color? A monthly subscription to Ideas, Inc. can give you these answers and more!

Why bother thinking when you can subscribe to a service that thinks for you?

Like I said, silly and nonsensical. But is it really? Hmm…

And if I ever see this service in real-life, I will know somebody stole the idea from me, heh.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

When I Was Born …

… the world changed forever.

The Berlin Wall came down. I’m fairly certain this was a direct consequence of my birth.

The original Michael Keaton Batman movie opened in theaters. Also a direct consequence of my existence, no doubt.

Disney’s The Little Mermaid also opened in theaters. I claim direct responsibility for the Disney Renaissance, thank you.

The first commercial internet service providers became available. Because of me, of course.

Can you guess what year I was born?

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life. With a dash of dry humor.