Tag: humor

When I Retire …

How do you want to retire?

It’s never too early to plan for retirement, is it? Well, it’s never a bad idea to think ahead, at least.

How do I want to retire? Alive would be a good start. Wait, that’s kind of morbid. Let me start over ….

When I retire, I want to be healthy, active and with the ability to continue sallying forth to enjoy life. I really look forward to being able to travel more. And to do that, I need to be in good shape physically and psychologically. I also need to have money, of course, but that’s what saving up for retirement is all about.

But I don’t just want to engage in fun activities. I want to have fun with other people. What’s the point of retiring if you’re going to be alone, anyway? Friends and family get old with you, right? So why not enjoy a life without workdays together?

Retirement is something that I do look forward to, and I want to be ready for it. I want to be the sort of person who can get the most out of a life where weekends are a strange, distant, obsolete concept.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Cloudy Days and Snowy Days

How do you feel about cold weather?

I feel like an anomaly, sometimes. I enjoy cold weather. When it’s sunny outside, I look out the window and think, “That’s nice.” But when it’s 60 degrees, overcast, and windy, then I get excited. I’m the kind of person who thinks anything over 60 degrees Fahrenheit is too hot. 70 degrees is an oven. 80 and over is akin to the surface of the sun and unfit for human habitation.

Maybe I just like cloudy days because I associate them with something more rough-and-tumble, a more adventurous atmosphere than the sleepy calm of sunny days. The smell of imminent rain, the distant crack of an oncoming thunderstorm, the stiff breeze running over my skin – I love it.

Cold and snowy days, on the other hand …

No, I don’t like snow that much. The cold I can handle, but snow is something best enjoyed from a distance, preferably from the inside of one’s own home. Snow looks pretty, but so do swans, and they are meanspirited cranks. Snow is slippery, deep, obstructive, and eventually turns to slush, which is just cold mud.

Give me cold, cloudy days, rather than cold, snowy days, please.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

The Wrist That Would Not Break

Have you ever broken a bone?

As a matter of fact, I broke my leg when I was a kid. Had to wear a cast. Very painful and inconvenient, I can assure you, but this story isn’t about that. This is about the time when my doctor was convinced that I had broken my wrist.

So, I was a kid roughhousing with my friends, and I fell over and hurt my wrist. My mom takes me to the doctor, who looks it over and then sends me to a clinic to have an X-ray taken. The scan shows that there was no break, though I did have to wear a sort of partial-glove thing to keep my wrist straight and rigid. Presumably in case it did decide to break.

My doctor, however, was not a man easily dissuaded. I went in for another appointment, he inspected my wrist, then sent me over for another X-ray. No change.

I come in for a third appointment. My wrist appears to still be intact. But how can one know without an X-ray? Third time’s the charm. Off I go to have my wrist scanned for signs of a might-be-hiding-in-plain-sight crack in my wrist. Three X-ray scans, and my wrist still wasn’t broken.

In fact, the man in charge of the clinic came to speak with me in person to confirm if the X-rays had been deceived and my wrist was in fact broken. It in fact was not.

Looking back, I might have at least done my primary doctor the favor of discreetly breaking my own wrist to justify his vigilance. But that’s the sort of idea that only comes later in life with much wisdom and imagination. The fact is, my wrist truly, sincerely, and stubbornly refused to break, no matter how many X-rays it was subjected to.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Bats Are Cute. Prove Me Wrong.

Sometimes, daily prompts are quite wonderfully bizarre. For example:

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

Okay, you asked for it. The very first thing …

Bats are cute. A lot cuter than people give them credit for.

Maybe I should have waited until Halloween to do this.

Anyway, bats are adorable and get a bad rap for being scary, bloodsucking, grotesque monsters akin to rats on wings. This is untrue and unjust to bats. Even ugly bats wrap around the event horizon and come shooting back out into the realm of cuteness. Bats deserve to be respected.

I mean, look at this. Is this the terror that flaps in the night? No, it’s a cute little baby bundle of fluff. Or this. And this, too. Respect the bat!

And that’s all I have to say about that. The first thing that came to mind for today’s blog post.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Groucho Marx on Reading

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

Very important and enlightening commentary on reading by the great Groucho Marx. Good advice and to be followed. Reading is healthy. Being inside animals is not.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Reasons to Laugh

What makes you laugh?

I laugh at irony. I laugh at observations on the absurdities of life. I laugh at wordplay and cleverness. I enjoy sardonic jokes, jokes that push themselves up from the common denominator. I like humor that people put effort into, that has a setup and a punchline that makes you think for a moment, scratch your head, and then break out laughing.

I like being a bit of a gadfly. Nothing taken too far, but I get a giggle out of throwing people for a loop. Maybe I’m a Groucho Marx at heart, with a sharp tongue that I need to keep in check. But then, sometimes I’m laughing inside, watching politely and quietly as the world goes insane and carries itself with the utmost seriousness like a toad in a tuxedo being interviewed on the red carpet. Inside, I’m roaring.

The world isn’t getting madder; it’s always been mad. Lewis Carroll knew, and so did Abbott and Costello. Jonathan Swift was dead certain and let everyone know it. The Three Stooges made it abundantly clear. Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse proclaimed it with pomp and ceremony. Life is weird, and all the more so because we pretend it isn’t. The world goes on in utmost seriousness, and that makes me laugh, because if you ignore the layers of respectability, the jokes write themselves. An innocent child laughs at what adults believe is the most important thing in the world.

Most of all, I laugh at myself. We pretend that we can’t laugh at ourselves, that we are serious people on a serious Earth, but often that is who we should laugh at the most. So, laugh a little.

***

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

A Thought on the Horror Genre

I don’t have any long discussion on life, writing and the universe planned today. Just a brief thought on the topic of story genres:

The difference between the horror genre and the action genre is whether or not the protagonist has a shotgun.

Cheers.

***

My latest book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

I Long to Destroy a Single Word

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

Censorship is something I generally take a dim view of, but if I was given the power to ban just one word, I would ban – well, let’s see, there are several words that irk me, but if I had to pick only one …

Literally. I would scour all media and erase the word “literally” from existence.

I acknowledge that language evolves. It changes. Meanings change. What a word meant last decade is completely unrelated to its usage today. But that doesn’t mean I have to like the evolution of a word that originally described a thing or action conforming to its own description as fact rather than metaphor, i. e., the expression “hit the road” taken literally by beating the pavement with a stick or someone who is “feeling blue” literally turning a shade of blue. The adverb once had a very specific meaning that applied in very specific circumstances, and using it outside of that purpose was incorrect.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

That was literally the best concert I’ve ever been to. Stephen Spielberg is literally the best director in history. I literally almost died in that car collision. I literally read ten books in a single month. This is literally not how you use the word.

It’s just another word to emphasize a point. Somewhere along the line, someone decided that “really” and “very” and “extremely” and “superlatively” and “quite possibly” and “definitely” were all too boring and decided to give the English language another disembowelment.

And that’s the evolution of language. Words take on entirely new meanings and the old ones are left behind. It’s natural. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

The worst part, in my opinion, is that it shrinks our daily vocabulary. “Literally” could be replaced by a slew of options in everyday conversation, but we fall back to the quick and easy method of using one over and over and over again. It’s a shame that we gradually decrease our ability to express ourselves by loading a single word with a hundred different meanings rather than learning a hundred different words with very particular, targeted meanings. It’s more work, true, but it makes speech so much more interesting.

But that’s enough of me preaching. Language is language and things will go the way that society drives them, regardless of whether or not it knows how to steer. If I had the power, I would immolate the word “literally,” sweep up the ashes, and dump them in the sea. Alas, that I cannot literally do such a thing to a word.

***

My latest book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

If I Won the Lottery

What would you do if you won the lottery?

I’m assuming we’re talking large numbers here. I won four bucks once. It’s still in my wallet.

In all seriousness, if I won a million dollars, I’d invest it. I know, not fancy or decadently extravagant, but what’s the point of having a Lamborghini now when retirement comes and you have no money for food or rent? I’d rather live comfortably in my golden years than stare at my extremely expensive purchases and realize I can’t eat them.

That being said, I doubt I would invest all of it. I think I would put half in savings and keep half for spending on accoutrements more important than fast cars and humongous yachts. Like, say, sturdy clothing, a good, reliable commuter car, maybe a new computer or TV if I felt like splurging. Basics first, then luxuries.

Funny thing about money, the more I imagine having, the more I realize I would want more. Right now, if I were given $20,000, then that would be a lot and I would be satisfied, but if I ever received $1,000,000, all I would think about is why couldn’t it have been $2,000,000? The bigger the number is, the bigger I want the number to be.

Maybe I’m better off not winning the lottery at all … Or just sticking with a million and leaving it at that.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.

The Ancient Age of Computers

Write about your first computer.

It was a big deal in my life owning a computer for the first time. Oh, I grew up using my parent’s, but having my own was almost a rite of passage into adulthood.

As many of you already know, I’m a writer, and I’ve been writing for most of my life. My first typed ramblings were done on a word processor, the grandaddy of modern computers where the only thing you could do was type and print. No fonts, no editing, no formatting. The missing link between the typewriter and the computer.

My first proper computer, though, was a birthday gift. It was a big deal, as you might imagine, especially since I was in, what? Fifth or sixth grade? A long time ago, in the days of yore when computers were big solid blocks, the mouse and keyboard were wired, the monitor was tiny, and it was the really big towers tucked away behind the desk that held all the processing power. These were the days of floppy discs that could hold maybe a single magazine issue’s worth of information before filling up and needing you to buy another one. No memory sticks here.

Before touch screens. Before iPhones. Before Bluetooth. Yes, the time when there was only – shudder – dial-up.

Some of you reading this remember dial-up. Using a landline phone connection to hook up to the Internet. When I wanted to go online, I had to tell my parents, because we couldn’t use the phone and be online at the same time. And then there was the sound. All I can really say is, if you know, you know. The sinister symphony of beeps, honks and screaming static. The sound of an age before instant convenience. Back in my day, we waited minutes to get online.

I liked that computer. Well, it was my only one, so I had better like it, but it was fun. Surfing the old version of the web, playing computer games that required actual discs (sometimes more than one for a single game!) and using the old Microsoft Word that came in an actual package rather than be an online service.

But that computer is gone now. It died, as computers tend to do. A moment of silence for the Ancient Age of Computers. But not for dial-up. Dial-up will not be missed.

***

My new book, The Trickster’s Lament, is currently available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format.

“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?

Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.

He may be disrespected. He may be kicked about. He may even be falling out with his pantheon. But Hermes is a trickster. He knows how to play dirty in a world that doesn’t play fair. But though he can best man, beast, and god, he isn’t prepared for his wiliest opponent yet: his own conscience.”

Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.