If you had a freeway billboard, what would it say?
“LOOK OUT!”
…
Gotta keep drivers on their toes, y’ know.
***
If this made you chuckle, consider checking out my other blog posts, which are a tad longer but no less entertaining (probably).
Tag: humor
No Jetpacks, No Teleporters, No Space Colonies … Keep Pushing Back the Date, Writers!
You ever notice how writers underestimate the rate of technology’s advance? They never quite get it right.
In the 1950s, writers predicted that families would be getting lost in space in the year 1997 A.D. They didn’t. In the 1960s, some small-time director thought that 2001 would a true odyssey in space. It wasn’t. Manned spaceflight hasn’t even gotten past the moon.
In the 1980s, a certain movie about time travel had the audacity to suggest we’d have hoverboards by 2015. That one still hurts. I want a hoverboard!
But no, we don’t have any. We have electric unmanned cars that come to a dead halt in the middle of intersections if the power grid goes out, but no hoverboards.
But we writers have a simple solution for irritants like reality and historical fact. We ignore them.
Just keep pushing back the date. By 2040 we’ll have colonies on Mars, I’m sure. No? By 2070. No? By 2100. Repeat as needed.
Oh, but don’t go thinking writers are completely lacking in self-awareness. There was an overt change in tactics around the 2000s when space colonies were proving to not be coming any time soon.
Writers started cheating.
In the year -insert random year around two decades from now- mankind discovers alien technology on the moon or Mars or what have you and reverse engineers it. Or a benevolent alien race arrives and welcomes us into the greater galactic community. Huzzah!
The year doesn’t even matter anymore! Marvelous literary freedom unbound by the constraints of science and logic! Be it 2027 or 2227, humanity will eventually discover those long-lost alien ruins that will unlock the secrets of faster-than-light travel, teleportation, artificial gravity and hoverboards.
What? Impossible, you say? Excuse me, but how do you know there isn’t an alien vault on the moon? You have proof?
Besides, writers don’t need proof. We type it down, and it is so. Just like this: In 2036 we will have flying cars. See? That was easy.
Science fiction is easy. All you have to do is keep moving the goalposts. And pretend that you never believed we’d all have hoverboards in the 2010s.
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
Would I Dare Ride a Horse?
What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.
Horse racing. If I was guaranteed not to fail spectacularly, I would try horse racing.
I’m not worried much about losing. I don’t care if I don’t come in first place. But I would love to try it with the absolute certainty that I wouldn’t fall off, get kicked in the face, have my fingers bitten off or otherwise end up twisting my horse in circles as I fumble with the reins.
I’ve ridden a horse exactly once, as a child, on a school field trip. “Riding” is a generous word, as the horse was simply following a predetermined route, and I had no control or input.
But to actually ride a horse, to race against other jockeys, to feel my mount kick into a full gallop, to jump fences and feel the horse’s legs pounding underneath – that would be a joy. But I don’t think I ever will try it. I think I lack the confidence that I would come away unscathed. But if there was actually some sort way to guarantee that I couldn’t fall off or get kicked or bit, if there was a way to make such wishes come true, then I might just try it.
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
Where Are My Glasses?
What is the most important thing to carry with you all the time?
What do I carry with me? That question can be a profound one. What abstract qualities do I carry that sustain me through the day? What precious items do I keep with me at all times that show what I truly value?
Well, it could be a profound question. Or it could be remarkably mundane and ordinary. Let’s go in that direction. There’s time for profundity later.
I always carry my glasses. Why? Because I need them. I can’t see well without them. I’d say that’s pretty important, wouldn’t you? My glasses are a part of me, whether I like it or not, and so they are either on my face or close at hand all the time.
It’s not emotional. It’s not soul-stirring. It’s not philosophical. But it’s real. If I didn’t have my glasses, I’d be straining to read these words as I’m writing them. If I couldn’t find them, I’d be tearing apart my room looking for them, crying fruitlessly, “Where are my glasses?”
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
Charley Horse
Charley Horse is riding again
Up and down, up and down
Fast enough to make my head spin
Riding hard and fast as the stormy wind
He rides in the night silent as a lamb
I don’t hear him coming
Then bam!
He tramples my leg, turns it outside in
I scowl and I seethe and I hang on tight
Charley Horse ain’t slowing down
I hold on fast and try to rein in his might
But Charley Horse is away. He’ll be back again.
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
Dealing With a Flooded Bathroom and Interrupted Plans
I start out every week with a plan. I map out the days and what I’ll do on each of them. I have everything laid out in my mind, all stacked up like alphabet blocks in neat rows and columns. And for months and months, everything goes according to the plan.
Oh, sure, there’s a hiccup here and there, but it’s always controllable, negligible, minor enough for me to fall into the illusion that I’m in control.
And then I get home from shopping after work one day and find a strange man at my door. And I ask him who he is, and he tells me that he’s a handyman sent from my apartment’s landlord to investigate a leak dripping into the carport.
And so we both walk in. I smell the water right away. Enough water to cover my bathroom floor an inch deep. And more than enough to flow over the threshold and make a nice, mushy bog of the carpeting beyond.
And my expectations of the afternoon are out the window. Happy Monday, presumptuous sucker.
He sucks up the water with a wet-vac. Then he leaves a dinky fan to dry out the carpet overnight … and all next day, as the case happens to be. I have a fan of my own, and I add its might to the air flow.
And so my plans are disrupted by an adventure I didn’t want. And I didn’t go in to work today, but instead worked from home because I needed to wash and dry the rugs soaked by the flood and expected that the handyman returns during the day to reclaim his fan. Which he didn’t. Because our plans aren’t always someone else’s plans, either.
But at least we all got a blog post out of it, didn’t we?
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
Have You Thought About Your Toothbrush Today?
Let us consider the toothbrush.
No one does until one needs a toothbrush. Then one calls out for salvation from cavities and bad breath. The toothbrush is an unsung hero. No one goes through the day anticipating that most exciting and thrilling of activities – oh, yes, isn’t it just! – that is brushing their teeth.
Some things are so ordinary, so utterly normal, that they slip beneath notice. But we must be thankful for the toothbrush. Without it, we would all dwell in a mire of poor hygiene. Only when we don’t have something do we understand how important it is.
Toothbrushes, floss, old slippers, fluffy carpets, dishcloths – mundane, lowly, easily forgotten, yet so, so precious in their own odd ways.
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
When I Retire …
How do you want to retire?
It’s never too early to plan for retirement, is it? Well, it’s never a bad idea to think ahead, at least.
How do I want to retire? Alive would be a good start. Wait, that’s kind of morbid. Let me start over ….
When I retire, I want to be healthy, active and with the ability to continue sallying forth to enjoy life. I really look forward to being able to travel more. And to do that, I need to be in good shape physically and psychologically. I also need to have money, of course, but that’s what saving up for retirement is all about.
But I don’t just want to engage in fun activities. I want to have fun with other people. What’s the point of retiring if you’re going to be alone, anyway? Friends and family get old with you, right? So why not enjoy a life without workdays together?
Retirement is something that I do look forward to, and I want to be ready for it. I want to be the sort of person who can get the most out of a life where weekends are a strange, distant, obsolete concept.
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
Cloudy Days and Snowy Days
How do you feel about cold weather?
I feel like an anomaly, sometimes. I enjoy cold weather. When it’s sunny outside, I look out the window and think, “That’s nice.” But when it’s 60 degrees, overcast, and windy, then I get excited. I’m the kind of person who thinks anything over 60 degrees Fahrenheit is too hot. 70 degrees is an oven. 80 and over is akin to the surface of the sun and unfit for human habitation.
Maybe I just like cloudy days because I associate them with something more rough-and-tumble, a more adventurous atmosphere than the sleepy calm of sunny days. The smell of imminent rain, the distant crack of an oncoming thunderstorm, the stiff breeze running over my skin – I love it.
Cold and snowy days, on the other hand …
No, I don’t like snow that much. The cold I can handle, but snow is something best enjoyed from a distance, preferably from the inside of one’s own home. Snow looks pretty, but so do swans, and they are meanspirited cranks. Snow is slippery, deep, obstructive, and eventually turns to slush, which is just cold mud.
Give me cold, cloudy days, rather than cold, snowy days, please.
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
The Wrist That Would Not Break
Have you ever broken a bone?
As a matter of fact, I broke my leg when I was a kid. Had to wear a cast. Very painful and inconvenient, I can assure you, but this story isn’t about that. This is about the time when my doctor was convinced that I had broken my wrist.
So, I was a kid roughhousing with my friends, and I fell over and hurt my wrist. My mom takes me to the doctor, who looks it over and then sends me to a clinic to have an X-ray taken. The scan shows that there was no break, though I did have to wear a sort of partial-glove thing to keep my wrist straight and rigid. Presumably in case it did decide to break.
My doctor, however, was not a man easily dissuaded. I went in for another appointment, he inspected my wrist, then sent me over for another X-ray. No change.
I come in for a third appointment. My wrist appears to still be intact. But how can one know without an X-ray? Third time’s the charm. Off I go to have my wrist scanned for signs of a might-be-hiding-in-plain-sight crack in my wrist. Three X-ray scans, and my wrist still wasn’t broken.
In fact, the man in charge of the clinic came to speak with me in person to confirm if the X-rays had been deceived and my wrist was in fact broken. It in fact was not.
Looking back, I might have at least done my primary doctor the favor of discreetly breaking my own wrist to justify his vigilance. But that’s the sort of idea that only comes later in life with much wisdom and imagination. The fact is, my wrist truly, sincerely, and stubbornly refused to break, no matter how many X-rays it was subjected to.
***
Many thanks for visiting my blog. I post updates on my writing career, I muse over storytelling and fiction, and I reflect on the curious and wonderful things in life.
“Hermes is not having the best time. He walks a fine line, and his duty as messenger of Olympus weighs heavily on him. Being a god in the modern age means living in a world that no longer believes in gods. How much can one deity accomplish when no one respects him anymore? And why do his instincts tell him that he, the son of Zeus, is losing favor with his own family?
Tensions abound. The upstart Young Gods play dangerous games using entire cities as their boards. Formless monsters strike from the nighttime shadows, terrorizing hapless mortals. Agents of rival pantheons scheme to thwart Olympus’ designs. In the thick of it all, Hermes does what he does best: trick, lie, and cheat his way to victory.“
Jake W. Powell 